Posted by Dean Piper On November 13th, 2011

If you believe the rumours then Alan Carr has the likes of Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey on speed dial these days.
But the man himself says he’s not on personal terms with the vast amount of Hollywood stars that sit on his couch week in, week out.
“They’re not all my friends,” Alan, 35, says with his trademark honking voice. “Adele is a genuine friend – that’s about the only one that’s true. She came to my house the other night and with all that money she’s made she brought the cheapest s**t bottle of wine over.
“I asked why she’s bringing crap like that round my house when she’s on that bloody rich list – but she will never change.”
Alan’s show Chatty Man is one of the highest rated talk shows these days, he’s just wrapped his Spexy Beast sold out arena tour of the UK and he’s the toast of the comedy world.
But just because his credentials are impressive on paper doesn’t mean he has to act like one of the celebs in question. He claims to have a “morbidly obese BMI”, cuts triangles in his trousers to allow him to lie about his waist size and works out purely so he can eat more.
“I have the same personal trainer as Dermot O’Leary but I feel he’s doing a very different work out than me,” he says with a naughty smirk. “The trouble is I like eating. Dermot has a six-pack. I’m more like Natalie Cassidy – I go up and down. I wish I could be pencil thin – but I love food and life too much.
“I do physical training two times a week and he tells me to run by myself – which I do. But I can’t believe I’m so fat. My BMI is morbidly obese. I’m on the red bit that says, “Call a doctor if you’re going to do a s**t.”
“I cut a V in the back of my trousers because I can’t fit into them. I actually do that. That way you’re still a 34 inch waist despite filling it with something more. I also love standing next to fat people when I’m filming these days. It’s the only way to look slim. I permanently need Alison Hammond and Bella Emberg near me. I feel like a right **** now – Alison is so lovely.”

Alan, whose father is former Northampton Town and Nuneaton Borough FC manager Graham Carr, says he will never get married despite being settled down for the past two years with partner Paul. “Everyone wants Paul and me to get married,” he fumes. “I just don’t believe in it at all. I’ve seen so many marriages go up the swanny. So many go wrong.
“Also you spend a week in the Ukraine on the stag do. then the wedding in the highlands, it’s an Alice in Wonderland theme and then two months down the line it goes wrong at a cost of £10,000.”
When I suggest they join the forever growing line of celebrity gay dads he laughs. “There’s no way in hell we would have kids – I can’t even look after a bloody red setter,” he says. “I’ve got two of them and its hard work. I won’t have kids but I’m a godfather to loads of wonderful kids. It is nice to have them. I love them when they come but it’s lovely when they go.”
Alan made his name in 2006 with comedy partner Justin Lee Collins on the popular Channel Four show Friday Night Project. The pair split amicably in 2009 but you get the feeling Alan was glad of being able to go it alone and carve a career of his own.
Sadly the pair are hardly in touch these days – but Alan says there’s not been a big fall out.
Alan explains: “Justin texts me every so often. I’m not saying we’re best mates – we don’t have tattoos with each others names on us. But there wasn’t a fall out. The thing was with Friday Night Project is we got a bit sick of everything. The budgets were all cut, we couldn’t afford the prize at the end, the wheel people would lay on had to go back and we couldn’t do the show the way we wanted to. I remember once dressing up as Grace Jones and I had to wear a black bag for life. That’s all they could afford. I had two holes cut in the bag for my legs and came out in hives.”
He also says the fact they live so far apart also meant their friendship was always going to struggle.
“Justin lives in Bristol, I live in London,” he says. “It’s a bit like when you ask a former X Factor contestant if they still keep in touch with Simon Cowell. It just doesn’t happen. Justin’s got a kid and a wife. We rose to fame together and truth be known we were only supposed to stand in for one week as Jimmy Carr wasn’t available.
“I will be going to see him in Rock of Ages sometime soon. But to be honest he is so skinny and thin these days it’s hard to like him. He won’t tell me how he’s lost that weight at all. It’s probably speed. His hair was getting bigger and thicker as mine was receding and his belly was getting thinner as I was getting fatter. It was like sucking my blood. No but honestly, I’m pleased for him being on the stage and happy – he always wanted to sing.”

Alan freely admits he went on a date with fashion fixer Gok Wan when he was single – but things didn’t work out because they didn’t take things seriously and tweeted during their first date.
“People wanted us to be a couple – and we did go out a few times and everything but then it was always so funny,” he giggles. “When we were on a date we were both tweeting. I like Gok but it didn’t go further than dinner. He’s a great friend. Saying that it was a bit of a p*** take when he came round to my home for fashion fix and said I was the worst dressed person ever. Friends don’t do that!”
Alan is currently just off the road and ready to enjoy Christmas after wrapping up his Spexy Beast nationwide tour. He’s thrilled to have been back doing stand up once again and he’ll never forget his comedy roots. Alan said: “It’s four years since I’ve been on the road. I could have been cashing in far more. I mean the merchandise is where you earn the cash. I sell Alan Carr dog poo bags to start with. Seriously. My idea. I’ve got two dogs and you always get caught out.
“It was fun doing it live again. I started off by getting going above pubs to test out my material and they were grim. Really grim. People were shocked I was there and then there were some who can’t stand you and were yelling, “you’re s***”. And they do it all the way through. This was when I’d made my name and it’s supposed to be a treat that I play in their local pub.”

Alan reveals he still struggles with pre-show nerves. “I never puke with nerves but I have a few runny poos,” he says snorting. “I haven’t had a solid poo for years, darling. Lee Evans is crazy nervous and sweating. I get nervous, irritable and ratty and can’t eat before I do a show – that’s why I’m so fat. I come off at 10.30pm and have a Ginster’s pasty.”
Meanwhile there’s one star he’s still desperate to get on the couch for Chatty Man – Queen of Pop Madonna. But he wants Madonna from fifteen years ago, it would seem.
“I would love Madonna but she doesn’t do anything and she’s not that much fun these days,” he says. “I think I’d be able to get a good interview out of her though.
“I look back at those old Madonna clips and want the really naughty Madonna who wants to talk about sex and touch herself. Now she’s all about Malawi and all that – maybe a Lambrini on the show would loosen her up and she’d be great.”

Alan Carr chatty man is on C4 Sunday nights his new DVD Spexy Beast is out now

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