Alan Carr talks about his new Channel 4 chat show as well as Susan Boyle, Madonna and why he'd never have surgery!

Posted by Dean Piper On June 13th, 2009

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I caught up with the delightful comedian Alan Carr as he prepares for the first screening of his new chat show, Alan Carr: Chatty Man, that starts tomorrow night on Channel 4. The frisky little thing couldn’t keep his hands off of me! Yikes

Hi Alan, to start with what’s different about your chat show then?
Well we went down the route of wanting it to be set in a youth hostel or an exercise establishment or Guantanamo Bay or something quirky but eventually we settled for making it a chat show. It’s called Chatty Man and it’s what it is. It’s a twist in the format and I hope it’s a good enough twist. Just call me the new Parkinson.
I mean, you watch a cooking problem nowadays and it’s fairly boring but then a show like Come Dine With Me comes along and that guy who does the voiceover makes the show entertaining. It’s really entertaining. I hope that I will be entertaining. We’ve had Jerry Springer and Denise Van Outen and all sorts of people in the pilots for the show. We’ve had Gok Wan and Joanna Page too. So we’ve got good guests and for a pilot it was fun as hell.

Who’s on your wishlist for guests on your chat show?
The top of my list is the Dog Whisperer. I really want the Dog Whisperer. I wanted to watch my monkey baby show last night. Then I forgot to Sky+ it. I love shows like that. It looked amazing and it had these people who believed monkey’s were their children. The other good one was the guy with the dolls who believed they were his children. Crazy stuff.

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Alan above with this week’s guest Heather Graham…..star of the brilliant new flick The Hangover

Would you want Madonna on your show?
I’d love Madonna and that lot but they are just so media trained and dull. I talked to Kylie at the Glamour Awards but I was too shy to ask her. So I didn’t. I love people like Katy Perry, Samuel L Jackson and Barbara Windsor. Katy’s boobs are big – I wonder if she’s done a Madonna and gone and ‘fallen off her horse’ and then gone into hospital and had some plastic surgery with a good cover up! Her face scares me now.

What about you and plastic surgery?
Somebody asked me this today too – it’s pissing me off. I mean. I don’t know. I don’t know whether I’d have surgery or anything. I won’t get it done.

You’re a Gemini. Do you have a split personality?
Oh yes, I mean sometimes I can just snap. I don’t think Gemini’s are two faced. I just think we bottle things up and then explode and then people all say: “Oh they’ve changed etc.” But we haven’t really. Gemini’s put up with a lot of shit.

They often say comedians are quite ‘down’ people. Are you?
No, I’m not like that. I know a lot of comedians that are! You get them around for dinner and you expect them to be fun and it’s just dull and boring and becomes a really tricky situation. I won’t name names.

Is Justin Lee Collins competition now you both have chat shows?
Not really, no. I was a guest on his so I’ll hopefully get him on mine. It did piss me in when he started losing weight recently though. We made a fat pact and promised we would stay fat and then I switched on and he was this emaciated creature. He’s gaunt and his ribs poke out more than Jordan’s do. I’m sure it has something to do with prescription drugsm bulimia and heroin – that’s what I heard anyway.

Would you go to America?
They wouldn’t understand me. They are so political over there and they wouldn’t understand me at all. There’s also loads of religious issues too. I just wouldn’t.

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Alan above with anotherĀ  of his guests, Ross Kemp

How is your love life?
It’s good – I’m seeing somebody now. It just got boring with the Gok Wan thing and everyone trying to set us up – so I got a guy in the industry anyway. He’s a break dancing Grandad. He’s fit and flexible. He’s not really.
It’s nice to be a little bit settled down. I had so many years of bad luck in the gay world and was always the one holding the coat by the side of the dancefloor so it’s nice to be settled. The gay world’s funny – it’s either twinks or muscle Mary’s and I’m neither of them. I guess you could describe me as a bitter old Drag Queen. Ha ha. The gay scene is soul destroying so it’s lovely to come home and get a take away and have a drink watching the telly. It’s not as if all gay people get in and pout pink crop tops on and head to GAY nightclub with poppers in our hand.

What about taking over from Fern Britton on This Morning?
Erm, well yes of course I’d love to. Ha ha. I’m joking. You see people think that job’s easy, but it’s not. One minute you’re laughing about a funny looking vegetable and then you have to ditch the laughter for somebody who’s skin’s falling off. It’s a tough job. Fern manages to do that well. Mind you – maybe I could because Fern seems to wet herself throughout the show. Phillip mentions a single joke and she’s off.

Susan Boyle – discuss!
I feel sorry for Susan. What a shattered dream. I didn’t struggle with fame because I appreciated it for what it was – I’ve packed boxes in factories and know where I’ve come from! I’m just so blessed now. One thing I can’t imagine is Susan Boyle at the Priory. It’s like Amy Winehouse, Pete Doherty and all – and there’s SuBo sitting in the corner. I don’t get why people go there. What’s she exhausted from. She spent more time lifting her skirt up and showing her fanny off than singing on BGT. It’s going to take it’s toll yanking that dress up for Piers Morgan – no wonder she’s exhausted.

Do you ever get nervous meeting celebrities?
No I don’t. Ever since my days working on the Jonathan Ross show I’ve just met them all. From Paul Newman and Jane Fonda right the way through to our top stars over here like Wolf from Gladiators. People are just people. There’s a magazine that says: “Look, stars are just like us.” And there’s a picture of them shopping. Of course they are just like us. They are normal and human beings.

Alan Carr: Chatty Man starts on Channel 4 Sunday 14th June at 10pm.

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